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作者：曾铮 Sunday, June 18, 2017 ，来源：作者博客，文章取自网络，旨在为读者提供多元信息，文章内容并不代表本网立场和观点。
“Self-criticism” of 800 Words 八百字的检讨书
This photo was taken when I was about 14 years old, in junior middle school. When I look back at the three not very eventful years of my junior middle school from 1978 to 1981, there was only one thing that affected me deeply.
这张照片是我初中时照的，当时14岁左右吧。初中三年似乎没有太多值得回忆的。只有一件事对我影响至深。
As I have shared in my article “Banned Books Mean Everything“, I had always been hungry for books ever since my childhood. When I was in junior middle school, although my best friend and main “supplier” of “out-of-class” reading materials had left, I somehow still managed to get books to read through other channels (Where there is a will, there is a way).
正如我在《庄稼地里的「秘密通道」》这篇文章中所说，我从小就是个书迷。进入初中以後，虽然爲我提供课外读物的好朋友离开了，但我还是总能变着法子找来一些书看，正所谓「有志者，事竞成」。
One day in our so-called “self-study class”, I was reading a picture-story book about Yue Fei (1103—1142) , a great Chinese military general in Song dynasty. He was described as a national hero in the book. But I remembered that our history teacher had told us that Yue Fei couldn’t be called a national hero because he had suppressed peasant uprisings. So I whispered my doubts with a classmate.
有一天我们上「自习课」时，我在看一本关於岳飞的连环画故事画。书中说岳飞是着名的民族英雄。我就想起我们历史老师说，因爲岳飞镇压过农民起义，所以不能算作民族英雄。我觉得这本书怎麽跟老师讲的不一样呢？於是小声跟身边的同学嘀咕。
Unfortunately enough, my whispering was caught by the students who were on duty to patrol the school to check how disciplined every class was. In the “self-study class”, everyone was supposed to study or do their school work quietly. So my reading a non-textbook and my whispering were all regarded as misconduct. As a result, the score of our class was 0.5 or 1 point lower than usual.
不幸的是，由学生「纠察队」组成的纪律「巡视」小组当时正好巡逻到我们教室外。「自习课」上既不许看课外书，也不许说话。我两条一起犯了，於是我们班的纪律分被扣。
When our class teacher, who happened to be our history teacher too, learned about this, and especially about the fact that I was questioning what she taught us about Yue Fei, she became so furious that she ordered me to write a “self-criticism” statement no less than 800 words and then read it out in front of the entire class.
我们班主任听说此事後，表示非常愤怒。她刚好也是我们的历史老师，听到我居然在质疑她讲课的内容，更加恼羞成怒，命令我写一份800字的检讨书，还要当着全班同学念出来。
This shocked not only me, but also all my classmates. Until then I had always been a role model and a “three good student”, who had always been the No. 1 student in every single exam; and who had always been winning the highest level award of every category. If ever I went to the stage, it was always to receive awards, either for myself, or on behalf of our class or even our school. If ever my name was mentioned, it was either praise or asking others to learn from me. I had never been criticized or scolded in school whatsoever.
对我来说，这无异於五雷轰顶一般。要知道，在此之前，我一直是学生的楷模，年年都当「三好学生」，每次大小考试都是第一名，各种荣誉全是我的，各种赞颂不绝於耳，从来没受过任何批评或指责。
So, for me, it felt like the world had suddenly been turned upside down. I begged my mother, who was also a teacher at the same school, to transfer me to another class to avoid this humiliation. But she refused, saying that if I fell, I should just get up and face my difficulties instead of running away.
我求母亲给我转一个班，我们的数学老师是另一个班的班主任，她非常喜欢我，表示很愿意让我转到她的班里去。可我母亲说，在哪里跌倒，就在哪里爬起来，不能当逃兵。我必须自己把这个难关应付过去。
I was left with no other choices but to “face” this problem. I guess during the Great Culture Revolution in China, the public denunciation meetings (also known as “struggle sessions”) were so common that everybody had already become “accustomed” to this kind of public humiliation culture. But for me, as a timid girl of only 14 years old, the pressure was as heavy as a giant mountain.
也许，刚刚经过了「文革」的成年人们，已经很习惯於各种批斗会和批斗文化了。可是，对於只有14岁、天性非常内向、害羞，同时脸皮又特别特别薄、特别特别怕被人说的我来讲，当时真的觉得天都塌下来了。
The first difficulty was: How could I write a self-criticism statement as long as 800 words? Up to then, the longest essay we had ever been required to write was only 500 words. Never anything of 800 words! Usually other students’ “self-criticism” statements were only a few sentences, saying something like “I was wrong to do such and such; and I will correct myself in the future.” And that was it.
我度过了好多个不眠之夜，也凑不够800字的检讨书。到那时爲止，我们所写过的最长的记叙文才500字，从没写过800字的「长篇钜着」！
I struggled very hard to come up with 800 words to criticize myself; but failed miserably. After many sleepless nights, I finally ended up copying many long, long paragraphs from the “Selected Works of Mao Zedong” to serve as the “theoretical guide” to craft enough in-depth reasons about why my behavior was so wrong, as well as to express my resolution to correct myself at a “high” and “revolutionary” enough level.
在被逼得都快要吐血之後，我终於找到解决方案：我找来一本《毛泽东选集》，大段大段地抄「毛主席语录」，以「深刻」批评检讨自己的过失，并将改正错误的决心上升到「毛主席教导我们说」的「高度」。
When it was time for me to read my “self-criticism”, I instinctively chose to read at the top of my lungs, contrary to all my “predecessors”, whose voices were usually so low that nobody could actually hear them. Because of this, sometimes they had to repeat the process.
轮到我上台读检讨书时，我本能地选择了用最大的音量，作最顺畅的朗读。之前偶尔也有「坏学生」读过检讨书，他们的声音都小得像蚊子叫一样，根本听不清。有时老师会叫他们「返工」。
I guess that was why I was reading so loudly: I didn’t want to give the teacher any excuse to ask me to do it again. The atmosphere was very strange and embarrassing. For one, every student was embarrassed to see their role model having to go through this. Secondly, never had anyone read the “self-criticism” so shamelessly loudly, as if I were reading a “self-ode” instead of something humiliating.
当我用无比宏亮的声音「声情并茂」地读着「史上最长」检讨书时，教室里的气氛非常诡异尴尬。一来，学校里多年来的「标兵」、「楷模」上台做检讨一事太不寻常；二来，从来没有哪个学生用这麽「毫无羞耻」、「毫无惧色」的语气、声调跟表情朗读本应让人感到羞耻的检讨书。
After I finished reading the longest ever “self-criticism” in the history of our class, and with the loudest ever voice, the entire classroom fell into dead silence. Everyone was at a loss as to how to absorb and handle the very unusual occurrence.
After a very long pause, our teacher finally broke the silence and asked, “Did everybody hear her clearly?”
我念完後，教室里陷入死一般的沉寂。人人都不知应该做出何种反应才算是「合时宜」。
许久之後，老师终於打破沉默问：「大家听清楚了吗？」
Dead silence again. Nobody dared to say “yes”; nobody dared to say “no”. In the end, the teacher had to let me go, but very, very disappointed. She had obviously expected something different.
又是一阵死一般的沉默。没人敢说听清了，也没人敢说没听清。老师无奈，只好让我下去了。
She soon claimed that she had been so upset by me that she had become ill. She lied in bed and refused to teach us any more. My mother had to go to her home many times to apologize and to cook Chinese herb medicine for her.
不久後，老师就宣称她被我气病了，躺在牀上起不来，当然也就不来给我们上课了。我母亲到她家去给她道歉无数次，并小心翼翼地伺候她，给她熬中药。
Contrary to what happened to her, I looked perfectly fine, at least on the surface. Maybe nobody had ever noticed any changes in me. I was only a little bit less quiet, less mild; and a little bit more “active” and talkative . I also laughed a little bit more; and sometimes more loudly and exaggeratedly.
我呢？表现得完全正常，甚至变得更加外向、更加活跃活泼，更加爱笑了，有时会笑得很大声、很夸张。
Only I myself knew how deeply I was hurt and humiliated. But I was just too proud to let anyone find out. I even changed my personality subconsciously so that nobody would ever know what was really going on in my mind and heart.
没有人知道，这一切，只是要强的我在拼命地掩饰。我不想让人知道，这件事对我的伤害有多大。
So, I guess that was a piece of “post-Cultural Revolution” I experienced as a 14 year old.
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现在想来，这就算我所经历的一次小小的「後文革」 批斗吧。
